Sometimes the path is hard. It feels hard to put one foot in front of the other. The bushes along the path scratch up your arms and legs. You stumble and trip on the rocks on the path. You fall down and cry. You sit in the middle of the path, sobbing.
You also know that you must go on. You know that the path won’t always be so difficult and you must put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward, even if you don’t progress for a while because you keep backtracking to see what exactly led you to this hard path. In the end, you’ll get there.
My planning is done. Everything is tidy. Our first day of school begins today. Grades 1, 4, and 10.
Last night was very hard. Parenting teenagers is not for the faint of heart. My first reaction is to cancel today and feel angry and sad about my plans being derailed. But I know my other children would be so upset to not begin, they are so looking forward to today. And I don’t want to wear the martyr hat. So, I remember I’m the captain of the boat and I put one foot in front of the other and navigate into unknown territory. I let go of expectations and just jump in and see where it goes.
I’m sure tonight I’ll post plenty of pretty pictures that will make some out there feel less-than or jealous that I have it all together. This is why I’m sharing this blog post. I think sharing our struggles, the truth behind the pretty pictures, is a gift to others. We are all human. We all have our struggles and fall down on our face sometimes. It’s easy to pretend it’s all roses with the internet. But the truth is: life is hard sometimes. Parenting is hard sometimes. Mothering can sometimes makes you feel like your heart has been ripped out. We must endure and push forward. Feel it all, give ourselves a hug and keep putting our feet down for the next step. That’s all there is to do.
Yesterday, I was getting all riled up about Facebook censoring certain video links. I was trying to post a link to this video (go watch it, it’s important info) and FB would not allow me to link it, saying the link had been blocked as containing unsafe information. Whoa. So, I tried and tried, and nope. No way. If I had any doubts about the truth behind FB truly censoring posts and trying to manipulate information others are trying to share, they are gone. Now, I see the truth.
But, it got me realizing something more personal about censorship. I’m guilty, too. I do it all too often. I haven’t been posting much to this blog because I was feeling vulnerable about sharing my truth. You see, when I set up my blog, I decided to make it so that my posts are automatically shared to my Facebook profile. Well, this led to me filtering what I shared, because all my FB “friends” would be seeing it and my mind imagined all the ways they would judge me.
While I long to share my thoughts and feelings with others, to connect, I also have always been scared to allow the wall to drop and be totally vulnerable and honest. Ironic, since that was the point of this blog: to help me move past that and be raw and honest. I believe we are in an age where being vulnerable and speaking our truth is more needed than ever. Thus, beginning today, here I am. Unfiltered. I’ve disabled my Facebook sharing setting to get me started, though I am building up the courage to share with anyone one day. My blog remains anonymous for now, but that may change in the future as well.
Furthermore, I’ve decided to move my homeschooling talk to my old blog. This blog will be about my journey coming home to love, the one truth. Inner work abounds, mystics’ poetry, realizations and discoveries. If you are reading along, welcome. Otherwise, I’m writing for myself here as I don’t expect to have any readers.
I’ve been vaguely aware of the existence of 4H for probably 5 or 6 years, but I didn’t really grasp what it was until recently. And, today, after our first real show, I’m still a little dazed. It does indeed feel like a whole new world that we’ve entered.
R is showing cavies ( I didn’t even know that word in English until a few months ago!), aka guinea pigs. He owns two piggies at the moment, and wants to buy more. That will have to wait until we can get them a larger cage. Today was his first time showing, so he was in the novice group. The entire event was huge today, so many people!! And each group had so many kids in it. When I saw how big his novice group was(10 or 11 kids) I was worried that he may not get champion, which was what he wanted. But, he did! He got reserve champion (second place). He was thrilled! He said he’d never felt prouder in his life!
After having spent the whole day there (we left our house at 7:30 and didn’t get home until 3:30), I feel initiated into this foreign 4H world. I’m not a loud-noise-crowded-areas person. So, that is difficult. But, I’ll learn to deal with it, and get down a routine for the shows. (Important to remember: bring more snacks than I think the kids will eat!). I had good company today, as we had three other families in our group and our lovely 4H group leader with us. That sure made the day more enjoyable. It was amazing to see so many rabbits and chickens. Some of the bantam chickens are so tiny, it is incredible!
R cannot wait until the next show. So, I think we are in it for the long run. It is exciting to see him growing and unfolding as he nears his teen years. So much love for that person.