A time of reflection

I haven’t blogged in nearly two months. It has been a time of adjustment and reflection. There have been some bumpy days (weeks?) and I’ve had to do lots of inner work and refining my own habits to find a sweet spot again. I’m getting there.

I’ve joked half seriously that I should start a blog called ‘Things My Kids Tell Me’. Not with the purpose of complaining or making jokes, but so that other moms out there don’t feel alone in their struggles. It can feel so isolating and depressing to think to yourself that the (unkind) things your child says couldn’t possibly be said by other kids, because no one you know has ever shared such things. I mean, we don’t really talk about it. Social media is full of the edited happy moments and lots of happy faces. But that’s not real life. And no matter how amazing you are as a mother, it is no insurance against your child saying hurtful things to you. Because what comes out of their mouth is a reflection about what is going on within them. I’ve found again and again how powerful it is to speak up and share with friends what happens within my house. It is sure scary to be vulnerable in that way, but I’ve found again and again that it not only is healing and helpful for me to share but that other mothers then feel less alone. Mothers then open up to me about the things that go on in their homes and how they’ve struggled. Our culture doesn’t do vulnerability very well. So, it takes intention and practice.

In our house, we’ve been in the thick of the 9 year change. I think we are starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but that light is still a far way off yet, truth be told. I’m remembering how absolutely vital the inner work piece is and how making time for mediation and mindfulness and fun are is not optional. It is necessity. I’m reminded again and again that the only thing I can be in control of is how I react. So, I’m in charge of me, and that’s my main job as a parent.

I have taken some photos here and there of our homeschooling and life. Things are moving along nicely and we are settling into a workable rhythm. Lots of grace is given, daily. Grace, flexibility and self-compassion. Those are my tools lately.

Censorship

Yesterday, I was getting all riled up about Facebook censoring certain video links. I was trying to post a link to this video (go watch it, it’s important info) and FB would not allow me to link it, saying the link had been blocked as containing unsafe information.  Whoa. So, I tried and tried, and nope. No way. If I had any doubts about the truth behind FB truly censoring posts and trying to manipulate information others are trying to share, they are gone. Now, I see the truth.

But, it got me realizing something more personal about censorship. I’m guilty, too. I do it all too often. I haven’t been posting much to this blog because I was feeling vulnerable about sharing my truth. You see, when I set up my blog, I decided to make it so that my posts are automatically shared to my Facebook profile. Well, this led to me filtering what I shared, because all my FB “friends” would be seeing it and my mind imagined all the ways they would judge me.

While I long to share my thoughts and feelings with others, to connect, I also have always been scared to allow the wall to drop and be totally vulnerable and honest. Ironic, since that was the point of this blog: to help me move past that and be raw and honest. I believe we are in an age where being vulnerable and speaking our truth is more needed than ever. Thus, beginning today, here I am. Unfiltered. I’ve disabled my Facebook sharing setting to get me started, though I am building up the courage to share with anyone one day. My blog remains anonymous for now, but that may change in the future as well.

Furthermore, I’ve decided to move my homeschooling talk to my old blog. This blog will be about my journey coming home to love, the one truth. Inner work abounds, mystics’ poetry, realizations and discoveries. If you are reading along, welcome. Otherwise, I’m writing for myself here as I don’t expect to have any readers.

Random Thoughts Saturday

-Incredible thunderstorms today. This kind of weather makes me feel charged. My chickens thought the world was ending, however.

-I haven’t had kid-free time in weeks. And when my husband took them out today for an hour, I felt this panic, like I must enjoy each second as the clock ticks away. I dream of having 5 or 6 hours free. Once my youngest is a few years older, I am going to have to take myself on a once a year weekend retreat…ALONE. No talking. No urgency of things to do. Just silence.

PSA: using styrofoam as mulch isn’t a good idea. Someone did this at our house who knows how many years ago, and I’m constantly battling styrofoam. And of course, the chickens are obsessed with it. I think I got practically all of it finally out yesterday. It only took 2 hours of digging (and I’ve spent hours working on it in the last few months).

-After spending the afternoon digging up sheets of styrofoam, I then found myself driving a baby crow out to a wildlife animal rescue center. I didn’t find the bird myself, someone else did and it was brought to me. That center rocks, they are amazing. That is my third time I’ve has to give them an animal, all birds.

-Some days, I feel like I’m balancing on the boundary of  sanity and losing it with the incessant talking that happens in my house. My children are incredible and smart and have so many wonderful things to say and ask such interesting questions, but there is a breaking point of how much talking one person (okay, maybe just ME) can handle. Wow! I know others can relate.

-This week, we re-homed two of our chickens. They went to I.’s farm/outdoor school and I know they’ll be happy there. Our yard feels so much emptier without them, but I know it’s for the best. Nine chickens were too much for our yard, it couldn’t handle the damage of nine. I think seven will be just perfect.

-Does anyone else feel like we are in a Twilight zone episode? Things are so strange and crazy and nothing seems surprising anymore, politically.

-I turned 35 this year and I’m blown away by the things I’m still learning about myself. I mean, you figure you know yourself pretty well by the time you are 25 or 30, right? At least I did. But, this year especially, I am realizing that I’m just now starting to get to know myself and my place in this world around me. That’s likely a lifetime revelation. I feel simulatanously overwhelmed and excited by what lies before me. So much unknowns that haven’t been written yet.