Pausing

THE FOURTH SIGN OF THE ZODIAC (PART 3)

I know, you never intended to be in this world.
But you’re in it all the same.

So why not get started immediately.

I mean, belonging to it.
There is so much to admire, to weep over.

And to write music or poems about.

Bless the feet that take you to and fro.
Bless the eyes and the listening ears.
Bless the tongue, the marvel of taste.
Bless touching.

You could live a hundred years, it’s happened.
Or not.
I am speaking from the fortunate platform
of many years,
none of which, I think, I ever wasted.
Do you need a prod?
Do you need a little darkness to get you going?
Let me be as urgent as a knife, then,
and remind you of Keats,
so single of purpose and thinking, for a while,
he had a lifetime.

-Mary Oliver

My body decided to take things into its own hands. I went to bed last night, telling my husband how desperately I need sleep and a break. I woke up this morning sick. I haven’t been really sick in four years.

This past week has been the most challenging physically and emotionally that I can remember in ever. Caring for children, 24/7, with constant sleep interruptions, has just been too much for my physical body. So, I have been forced to literally lay in bed all day, with a fever and aching head.

I wish I had a tribe. I’ve never been very good at creating that. I’m too much of an introvert, perhaps. I wish I had someone to watch my kids so I can sleep. But, I’m thankful for Sparkle Stories and Little Bear. They did afford me a little rest.

Ive been offline all day, but I just hopped on as I’m feeling slightly better and can sit up now. I saw the poem above by Mary Oliver and the tears just flowed when I read it. Today has been a crying day. Lots and lots of sobbing. I think I’ve been holding all the stress in for this past week. It’s been coming out today. Like a detox, this sickness is.

Love is all that is real. It is all that endures. Even this ick feeling is transitory. The only thing that is real is that which never changes.

This morning I found myself big time resisting. Angry that I was sick, annoyed at my body and so frustrated that I could do nothing for my children. After a few hours, I caught myself. And the book The Surrender Experiment came to mind. Saying yes to what is. Saying yes to what comes to me. So, once I surrendered, I actually felt less pain, though I’m still sick.

Letting go of the oars and letting the river of life sweep me along. I’ll be feeling better, in time.

Things take the time they take. Don’t worry.

How many roads did St. Augustine follow before he became St. Augustine?

-Mary Oliver

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